All the King’s Horses

Grief does strange things to a person
I think it’s the sense of being untethered
Unmoored
Like you’ve lost your anchor

I don’t blame her
That woman from the Wild book
Who lost her mom and then lost herself
Left everything behind
And went a little crazy

Grief sets a person adrift
The scenery changes, boundary lines shift
Nothing looks the same
Nothing is the same
Including yourself

So much of who we are is defined
By our surroundings – people and places
They shift, we shift
They move, we move
Lose them and we are lost
At least for a little while

This sense of being untethered
Terrifies me
I feel suspended in mid-air
Indefinitely

And all I want to do is run
Or drive
All night
Through unlit roads
Headlights chasing down the darkness
But darkness chases down my tail lights too

And the sense of nothing
The sea of blackness
Devours
Robs my breath
If I stay, if I stay, if I stay
I can’t stay

But there is nowhere to go
And running starts to look a lot like fighting
Thrashing, lashing, acting out
Because maybe I just need to find
The walls
The floor
Hell, the ceiling
Something
Anything
To stop me from floating away
Dissolving
Disappearing

I think I hear this voice
In my head
Whispering
Crying
Screaming
tellmewhoiam
TellMeWhoIAm
TELLMEWHOIAM

Because I’m not sure I know anymore

Grief does that to a person
Tears them apart
Atom by atom
All the little bits of me
Scattered
Drifting about the room

Grief has made me desperate
To be defined
Left me leaning on horses and men
To shape me
To remake me
To tell me who I am

I always thought Humpty Dumpty would be just fine
If the King would come do the job Himself
Do you think
Do you think
Do you think I could see the King?

© Nichole Q Perreault

Photo by Gene Devine on Unsplash

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